MLB will announce today that the
Expos are moving to Washington, D.C.
I'm so glad that they made the right decision on this, finally. DC was clearly the best option for the Expos, and I hope that the franchise will flourish in our nation's capitol.
That said, could MLB have handled this whole relocation thing any worse? The owners were tangled up in conflicts of interest like limbs at an orgy. Damn, the owners really piss me off. A bunch of whiny rich old white guys and Arte Moreno, who is a rich hispanic guy. And he is probably whiny too. But I digress. Let’s review the lengthy process of how the Expos eventually came to reside in Washington, D.C.:
A few years ago, somewhere at an owner's meeting:
Jeff Loria: WAAAAH!
Bud Selig: What’s wrong, Jeffy?
Jeff Loria: Bud, owning the Expos totally sucks. No matter how little I spend on the team, no matter how hard I try to put a slightly above .500 at best ballclub on the field, those cheese-eating separatists just don't like baseball that much.
Bud: You need a new ballpark.
Jeff: No! I want a new TEAM, Bud!
Bud: Ohhh, poor Jeffy. I'll see what I can do.
Later, at the same meeting:
John Henry: WAAAAH!
Bud Selig: What’s wrong, Johnny?
John Henry: Bud, owning the Marlins totally sucks. We have all of this minor league talent that isn't ready to play yet, and baseball fans in South Florida are just offseason football fans.
Bud: You need a new ballpark.
John: No! I want a new TEAM, Bud!
Bud: Well, I'll see what I can do. You know, baseball really should thrive in South Florida, what with the large hispanic population and gorgeous weather.
Later on...
Bud: Now, you guys are sure that you don't want to gouge the taxpayers to get new stadiums?
JL & JH: Nooooo! I want a new TEEEEAAAM!
Bud: Well, here's what we can do. The Yawkey Trust wants to sell the Red Sox because they can't get state funding to tear down that old dump, Fenway.
JH: Fenway! Fenway is a national treasure, they shouldn't tear down Fenway! They should put seats on top of the monster.
Bud: Shut up, John. Every team needs new ballpark, unless it's privately funded. So, here's what I'm thinking: Loria, you buy the Red Sox, Henry, you buy the Expos from Loria and get them to build a new stadium, thus reviving baseball in Montreal forever. Henry, you sell the Marlins to the highest bidder. I'm sure there will be tons; after all, baseball really should thrive in South Florida, what with the large hispanic population and gorgeous weather.
JL: I don't like that plan! The Red Sox payroll is too high! I don't want to actually *spend* money on a baseball team; that should have been made abundantly clear to you in Montreal.
JH: Yeah, and I don't want to own the Expos. That franchise is the laughingstock of baseball.
JL: Hey!
JH: Oop, sorry, Jeff.
Bud: Well, how about this, then. We contract the Expos and the Twins. If that doesn’t work, Loria, you sell the Expos to the highest bidder. Henry, you buy the Red Sox from the Yawkeys. Loria, you buy the Marlins from Henry.
Loria: Hooray! Low Payroll! Beautiful Miami Beach!
Henry: Hooray! Fenway Park! I can charge $150 a ticket!
JL & JH: You’re the best, Bud!
Bud: That’s why I’m the commish!
Several months later:
Loria: WAAAAAAH!
Bud: What’s wrong, Jeffy?
Loria: Nobody wants to buy the Expos since I ran the franchise into the ground!
Bud: Awww, don’t worry, buddy. We’ll find you a buyer.
Loria (sniffling): Well, there is a chance I could sell…
Bud: What do you mean?
Loria: Well, these guys from Washington D.C. say that they’ll buy the Expos, but only if they can move them to Washington.
Bud: NO! NEVER! BASEBALL HAS NOT RELOCATED A TEAM IN 30 YEARS! WE ARE SEEN AS A BASTION OF CONSISTENCY THROUGHOUT THE SPORTS WORLD! WE WILL NEVER FORCE A FRANCHISE TO MOVE, EVEN IF IT MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE! ALL OF OUR TEAMS ARE PILLARS OF THEIR COMMUNITIES, EVEN IF THEY ONLY DRAW 3,000 FANS A NIGHT. I WOULD RATHER DISSOLVE THE TEAM ALTOGETHER THAN HAVE THEM MOVE ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Loria: Okay… well… here’s the thing. I kind of already bought the Marlins.
Bud: What?!
Loria: Yeah, the Yawkeys really wanted to sell the Red Sox, and Henry and his group of investors were willing to pay $700 million and, well, the Yawkeys didn’t want to pass that offer up.
Bud: Holy shit! $700 million! That’s some crazy coin.
Loria: Yeah, seriously. But in order to get some of that money, John kind of needed me to buy the Marlins. And I kind of did.
Bud: Well, that was good of you, Jeff. We owners have to look out for one another. I mean – you owners have to look out for one another. After all, we are losing tons of money every year (uproarious laughter).
Loria [cannot stop laughing]: Oh, God. Stop. That one gets me every time.
Bud: But it does put us in a peculiar predicament… now you own two teams, both of which are in the same league, and division. Some might call that a conflict of interest.
Loria: Hmmm… you’re right. What if we re-aligned?
Bud: I don’t know if that would do any good. Even if my current proposal of having two nine-division leagues passes, the Expos and the Marlins would still be in the same division.
Loria: Hmmm….
Bud: I know what we’ll do! We’ll sell the Expos to the other 29 owners, so that everybody has a conflict of interest with the Expos.
Loria: That’s genius!
Bud: Then, once we secure public funding for a new stadium in Montreal, we’ll find a buyer.
Loria: Bud, you’re the man.
Bud: That’s why I’m the commish!
A couple of years later, at another owner’s meeting…
Bud: Well, I have bad news, everyone. We haven’t been able to secure public financing for a new stadium in Montreal.
MLB Owners: Why not?
Bud: It seems that those cheap Quebequois don’t want their tax money going towards building a stadium for a sport they don’t care about or understand.
MLB Owners: That’s lame, Bud.
Bud: Totally. So, here’s my solution: Let’s move the Expos to Washington, DC. There’s a nice group there who wants to buy the—
Peter Angelos: WAAAAAH!
Bud: What’s wrong, Petey?
Peter Angelos: Washington is close to Baltimore! If you move the Expos to Washington, they will steal all of my fans and TV and Radio revenue! WAAAAAH!
Bud: Awww. Poor Petey. We can’t have those nasty ol’ Expos taking away your TV money, can we?
MLB Owners: But what about us? We keep dumping money into this franchise that none of us own! We want out!
Bud: Hmmm… This is quite the dilemma. Okay, how about this? The Expos play half of their home games in Puerto Rico.
MLB Owners: Um, what?
Bud: See, this way, the Expos can draw more fans without moving. We can put the gate we make in Puerto Rico towards the team’s payroll, so you guys won’t have to front as much of your money.
MLB Owners: Yay! Fronting less money!
Bud: But since this will only be a temporary solution, and it appears that nobody wants to buy the Expos as long as they’re in Montreal, I suggest we start taking bids from cities that want a major league team. The city that offers up the most public money for a new stadium gets the Expos! Then we’ll prolong the process as long as humanly possible so that we can drum up publicity about the team’s eventual move, thus raising the maximum bidding price for the team!
MLB Owners: Hooray, Bud! Four more years! Four more years!
A couple of years later…
Bob DuPuy: Bud, we’ve got a problem with the Expos.
Bud: Again? I thought we had taken care of it.
Bob: Well, it seems as though the players hate playing half of their “home” games in a stadium that isn’t in their home city.
Bud: What do they care? They’re getting paid millions to play baseball.
Bob: Well, some of them have families and—
Bud: What? You mean they are people and not robotic athletamotrons?
Bob: Um… well, the Player’s Union has decided to file a grieveance.
Bud: Fucking Player’s Union. Anytime we want to do anything, they’re there to throw a wrench into the works. Why don’t we just throw 5% of the gate at them or something?
Bob: Well, the Expos aren’t drawing in Puerto Rico. See, the people that live there are kind of poor and spent all of their money on the Expos’ trip last year.
Bud: Fucking poor people. How’s the relocation thing going?
Bob: Well, we’ve got some okay offers from Portland, Las Vegas, and Northern Virginia. We’ve got awful offers from Charlotte, Monterrey, Mexico, and Puerto Rico. And we’ve got this one really great offer from Washington DC.
Bud: Forget it. Angelos doesn’t want a team in D.C. I don’t want to hear his wrath – that guy was a lawyer.
Bob: But it’s the best offer –lots of public funding for a new stadium, they could play in RFK until that new stadium was built… Plus, we’ve been running some numbers and, well, despite what Mr. Angelos has been saying, Washington is the best place to relocate the team. It’s the largest metro area in the country that doesn’t currently have a team; market research indicates that there’s a good deal of interest; the per capita income is good… I’ve got to level with you, Bud. It’s not even close – Washington is the place we should send the Expos.
Bud: But Northern Virginia is pretty close, right?
Bob: Well, yeah, but it’s in the suburbs, there’s no mass transit, and I don’t know how wild people who actually live in the district would be about going out to Hampton Roads to see a baseball game. Plus, the public funding for a stadium isn’t as good, and they can’t guarantee that we would be able to play at RFK…
Bud: Okay, okay, I get you. Let me get Angelos on the horn.
Bud (on phone with Angelos): Petey, it’s Bud. Look, we’ve just got to move the Expos to Washington.
Angelos: WAAAAAAAAH! Nobody will come to see MY team! I’ll sue! I’ll sue everyone in major league baseball! I’ll take this sinking ship down with me! I’m a lawyer!
Bud (to DuPuy, frightened): He’s mad! I mean, he’s like, really mad!
Bob (whisper, now frightened as well): Ask him about Northern Virginia.
Bud: What about Northern Virginia?
Angelos: I’d have to review the proposal, but, probably WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Bud: Tell you what, Petey. Don’t cry, buddy, come on now. Look, we’ll put together a nice financial package for you – whatever you want – and then we’ll move the Expos to Washington.
Angelos (sniffing): Ruh-really?
Bud: Sure, Petey! Anything for my buddy Peter Angelos.
Angelos (sniffing): Well, I want… a new TV and radio deal. And a new network! And I want to be subsidized if my franchise’s value drops even a little!
Bud (taking copious notes): Uh-huh, uh-huh… okay, Pete. We’ll see what we can do. Bye. (Hangs up phone.)
Bob: Bud, what are we going to do? We can’t give Angelos all that stuff.
Bud: We don’t have a choice! Nobody else has put up funding for a new stadium! Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll hem and haw about this in the media for about 6 more months, and then we’ll act like we’re begrudgingly accepting D.C. as the only viable place to move the Expos. Then we’ll sell the team.
Bob: And by doing this, we’ll avoid or reduce Angelos’ financial deal?
Bud: Probably not. If we give him anything but a dime less than what he wants, he’ll probably sue our socks off. But at least by stretching out this process for a painfully long time, it will seem like we’re negotiating with Angelos and thinking all of it over in great detail.
Bob: Bud, you are the man!
Bud: Thanks, Bob. Say, Bob, have you considered building a new stadium for yourself? You really can’t compete in today’s COO market without one.